I Am NOT Buying New Jeans

Well, I'm back!

I wasn't sure. It was a little shady there. Life has been hectic. But that is standard Bowers MO, so I really can't use that as an excuse.

Speaking of excuses, I've been mentally using a lot of them the past few months with regard, to, um, you know, exercising. The whole, hey, I got a new hip, or hey, I'm homeless for the summer excuse, while actually somewhat valid, is no longer flying. Why, you ask? One word. Jeans. It's fall and my jeans are tight. Like, I want to do that first trimester rubber band thing tight.

Suddenly a summer of Mack & Manco Pizza (Still can't get past the name change) and Kohr Brothers soft serve is literally not sitting well with my pant seams. Especially when my "exercise" was chasing the monkeys up and down the boardwalk or, alternatively, up and down the beach. It was constant and repetitive, but not necessarily a big calorie killer.

As a result, I went to a kettlebell class today. Actually, I went for the first time last week, but couldn't lift my arms high enough to type about it till today. I'm trying to get done what I can before they realize I did it to them again and go on arm strike. I may have to drink my coffee through a straw...

Kettlebells, for those who don't know, is the art of swinging large chunks of metal around your head and other parts of your body without maiming yourself or others in your general vicinity. If you are like my instructor or the others in the class, it looks super cool and graceful. If you are me, it doesn't.

Right now I want to throw some praise at my instructor, Will Schlucter from WillPower Kettlebells . He has been both patient and encouraging, and hasn't mocked me to my face (yet).

It's not like he hasn't had plenty of opportunity. Let me preface this with I am not an early morning person, and I am highly dependent on coffee, so a 6 am class with no coffee (because I can't make coffee that early) is already setting me up for something Not Good.

So, Will starts us out with some stretches. Easy, right? But all the stretches have names that I don't know and involve contorting your body in ways I haven't moved since my 20s (sorry, Steve) while holding weights and have I mentioned no coffee? After Will catches me before I tip completely over, we move into the real exercises.

These involve more movement with the heavy chunks of metal, except that I don't get to lie on the mats anymore. Bummer. Gravity is not your friend here. Our task is reps of Goblin squats. Steve has informed me that these are actually called Goblet squats, but hey, Goblets squats sound fun, like I have happy wine while exercising. Goblin is much more appropriate because I believe my face is now resembling something out of the depths of Mordor. This is followed by push-ups and some stretch called the Frog. Let me tell you, kettlebell class is not where you are going to get hit on.

After doing this -- a lot -- he makes us lift some bigger, heavier chunks of metal and then walk around the room with them. More than once. On the bright side, this will come in handy the next time I have to drag Nick out of a toy store.

Finally, we do a very long drill of one-arm swings. I quickly downgrade my weights while my "friend" borrows one of my heavier ones for this task. Show off. Have I mentioned the other two women working out with me are tall, skinny, and blonde? Right.

Anyway, while swinging my slightly-less-than-crippling weight around, I notice that Will is definitely not standing anywhere near the possible trajectory of said chunk of metal just in case it flies from my sweaty hands. Smart, smart man.

Finally, it is stretchy time again, with all new animal names -- Cat, Cow, Frog, and Pigeon. And then something called the Pretzel. I no longer like pretzels. Even if you dipped it in Nutella. I am off pretzels.

Despite all that, I actually feel (relatively) good. And I'm going back on Wednesday. One of my friends has told me to give it six (!!) weeks to fit in my jeans again. That's mid-November. Right before eating season. Sigh. I'll let you all know if I'm done with the rubber bands by then! And if you want, come and join me some morning and watch the fun.

:)

Janine